I just really don’t care much….

Lets get a couple of things straight. 1. I am smart in various areas, most being not important to most people and not useful in all areas of life. 2. I don’t believe much in the religion of politics that much.

I believe in doing what makes you happy. Politics is not going to make a difference to my happiness, so I don’t give it much thought. Yes, I am a teacher. I don’t believe in No Child Left Behind. I don’t trust anyone who does, because then I know they are full of crap or they don’t understand it and quite possibly just don’t know what it is. I don’t worry about NCLB much, mostly because I believe in what I do. I know we do the best we can. I know a hand full of people can do my job and I know even fewer who would do my job at what I get paid.

So when it comes to the whole democrat/republican issue, I am neither. I am an American who wishes they could trust the people who run for office to represent us. I can’t and if you trust them, good for you. I don’t believe Obama is a bad president, nor do I think any other president was bad. I think they do what I do every day. They do the best they can, and there are few people who could do the job and even fewer who would do it for the shit pay. I am not comparing myself to the presidents by any means.

I really want to believe there is good in everyone and that everyone is looking out for the best interests of others. But that isn’t realistic and many would say naive.

This weekend I realized how liberal Mike and I are. I hate discussing religion and politics, because I do believe passionately about my views, I am just not that smart in the area of debate. And lets face it I am not well read in the areas of government and religion. Although feel free to ask me about any psychotropic, anti-depressant or stimulant medication and I can rattle off side effects and dosages.

Can’t we all agree that no one knows what we are doing in this world. We are just trying to make the best of it and be happy. Enjoy our time on this earth. A conservative would think this is a silly thing to say, maybe even childish. But what do I have to loss or gain being associated with being republican or democrat. I don’t really fit in anywhere between the two. I just want to believe in people who want to do good for others and this country.

When it comes to religion, well I will leave it for another blog. It is too much to get into and I am going to go to bed and watch some Andy Cohen.

XOXO, B

Uh oh…..

I got my ass handed to me today. I will completely own the fact that I was by no means prepared for walked through my classroom doors today. I hate that feeling. Yes, I have done this before. I can do this again. I just had forgotten. I really know what I am doing.

The first couple of weeks of getting a new student that is fairly involved can be wonderfully challenging and exhausting all at once. I will admit I threw in the towel before the day was half way over. By the end of the day I had some ideas and plans in place. I should know I can’t fix something in a day, a week, a month, sometimes even a year.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to be stronger, because I know what to expect. I will be more prepared in general. Hopefully we can end this wild week on a good note. I apologize to anyone who found me rude, annoying, distant, or dramatic today. I will be back to my sarcastic, rude self tomorrow.

 

XOXO, B

But wait!

You know when you are waiting for something to happen and it does and you aren’t as happy about it as you thought you would be. Today I received news that I waited 2 years to hear. It has nothing to do with me, it is work related. Well the news was delivered abruptly and I felt satisfied that it was the right thing to happen, but it isn’t happening the way I had hoped. So I sit happy, with a lack of closer. A student that I have worked with for over 2 years, is gone. He is moving to a better place which I had hoped for, but I couldn’t say goodbye and neither could the boys. So tomorrow I get to tell them that one of their best friends is gone. We of course will do our best to create some type of closure for them. I still look for the emotion that I am missing. Shouldn’t be crying or at least a little bummed. I think it might take a day or two, but who knows. I know this is the right thing and I am content and at peace with that.

Today was a little unusual to begin with. My students were very emotional. Many suffer from some degree of depression. This is my soft spot naturally. There were many tears today. But through the tears I saw the real strength in one of my students that has so much potential, but was handed a raw deal. I sit here and stress about things that I know will be ok and things I know I can get support with if I needed it and asked for it. But here is my little man crying he wishes he was never born. By the end of the day that same little man took his friends that were sad into the hall and talked to them and listened to them. I didn’t ask him to, he did it. What a wonderful gift he has! What a wonderful privilege to have him. Tomorrow he will be devastated.

XOXO, B

365

It was a year ago yesterday that I took Elsa to the doctor with a fever. Most everything changed after that weekend. But as always we find our new normal, even if it is to try to keep urine in a diaper and keep the urine smell at a minimum. Elsa has proved to be a firecracker. I love her sass and sweetness. She is just like her father.

Today we drove by St. Luke’s which always gets Julia talking about her doctor and where she was born. We then told her some about her first few weeks of life. We told her that her first ride in a car was actually in an ambulance. She asked lots of questions. Mike and I thank g-d for nicotine during that time. Did I ever mention Mike quit smoking in January and I quit April 16th (I remember the date because it is my mom’s birthday.). Yay us! If we can quit anyone can quit. Actually if Mike and quit, anyone can quit. Back to Julia. It is almost impossible to believe that it has been almost 6 years and we have a smart, oral eating, back talking, sweet little girl. So many doubted her ability to eat, speak, etc. She is a tough girl.

Tonight we had the privilege of watching Little Miss Cate. Thanks Greta and Drew! The girls love her. Elsa was a little jealous and it was kind of cute. She thought she was a doll and kept trying to pick her up. The truth is that Cate is smaller than some of the play babies we have. Just having a new-born in the house is calming to me. I mentioned to Mike so many times how it is so ridiculous that I wasn’t so much energy being anxious at that time. New borns are cake as long as you get a full nights sleep. That is the thing. I slept all night and thought it was so fun and easy. I don’t remember the first few weeks of Elsa’s life. Lots of fog from the ativan and sleeplessness. I kind of feel bad, but luckily she won’t remember and by the looks of it I don’t think Julia does either.

I worry about that most. Julia and Elsa seeing me near the bottom of my depression or anxiety. Since Julia was born I have gone to the hospital twice for the depression and anxiety. The first time was when I was trying to switch medications. The second was a day or two after I came home from the hospital with Elsa. Nobody should see their mom like Julia has seen me. Uncontrollable crying, throwing up and chain-smoking isn’t the memory you want to give your kids. I hope I can always stay ahead of it from now on. She may remember it from now on.

On the same note, I try not to hide anything from her. I want her to know what is really happening. Why things happen? Why is mommy crying? I mean lets face it, if genetics have anything to do with it she will be somewhat like me. Poor girl. I just hope that I can teach her to be comfortable with herself, not care what anyone says about her and allow her emotions to happen. I suppose teaching her good coping strategies at an early age would be helpful.

Oh and I think Elsa is pretty much a walker now, so pray for us.

XOXO, B

Building of Walls

Many days I realize that I have built some very tall and thick walls to protect myself from what I do, witness and experience daily. Things that “normal” people would be affected by almost leave me emotionless. I know I have lots of walls for different things. It suppose it is just another coping “strategy”. I am not sure how healthy of one it is, so whatever.

This week I was reminded of how thick my walls are. My co-worker was struggling with a situation. She was very upset and rightfully so. It reminded me of years ago when I used to cry a lot at work. A LOT!!!! About everything. I remember the last time I really cried about something work related. It was about 4 years ago. I had a crazy class of 9. Yes 9 kids. Our new assistant principal thought it was a good idea to move my classroom to a bigger room. During the school year. It was a super mega fail. I was far away from our core support group. It lasted 3 weeks and we moved again to another classroom. 3 rooms i one month. In the mean time I was dealing with 9 kids with significant behaviors. I was also dealing with Julia’s feeding issues and I felt so much pressure. I failed as a teacher that year. It was a survival year. Did I do the best I could with the situation that was handed to me, maybe? Did I feel supported? Not so much. I was running on fumes.

If you are a special education teacher you know that having supportive paras are the core to your existence. I really never thought of myself as anyones boss. I never felt I bossed anyone around. I thought we always worked together as a team. Some of my paras didn’t feel that way in the past. And that is fine. I am not perfect and neither were they. I know the ones that judged me, thought I was racist, thought I wasn’t a good teacher. But like anyone I know this is a learn as you go gig. Everyday I am learning and trying to become better. I suck at lesson plans, organization and well many other things. I know that some people are thinking that I judge people too. Name a time where what I said didn’t have some truth to it.

I have a verbal impulse control problem-impulsiveness doesn’t lie.

So my sweet friend who cried this week and was sad. I understand. Keep those emotions, cry when necessary. I wish I could sometimes. Don’t build the walls.

The walls have gotten in my way of showing empathy and compassion when it is appropriate.

XOXO, B

Erratic reflections

Hmmm….the thesaurus is a beautiful thing. I never use words like this. But titles are hard to come by in the blog world and even harder when you are trying to get people’s attention. I truly like people reading my blog. I want a lot of people to read it. I have realized that I am not completely open in it. I know I am tell it how I see it. I am pretty blunt. I just can’t seem to take it to the next level. I can think of 100’s of things I would love to discuss. I can’t though. It would create hurt feelings, alienate people I care about, so on and so forth.

The problem is I so desperately want to take it to that level. Maybe I should just throw in the towel and go to therapy. I really truly don’t want to hurt anyone in my little journey I am on here. That is not my intention. I want to tell you things that happen, that influence me, shape me, and sometimes kind of hurt me. Even though I question if this is possible sometimes. I haven’t had hurt feelings in a long time.I should clarify no one has hurt my feelings in a long time. Which is a good thing, I think. I guess you can say it means I am surrounding myself with good people or I just don’t give a shit. First one is better…

So the question is, do I go for it or not?

 

XOXO, B

Take a moment

I feel like I am hearing about 9/11 constantly as the 10th anniversary approaches. Like everyone I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was driving to work in my awesome navy blue 1995 Honda Civic. I loved that car. The first plane hit and the radio immediately switched to national news, which never happens unless something is really serious. I was going to go work with my kindergarten and first graders. This was going to be a challenge. All of the adults were mourning this tragedy and I had to shelter these little guys with their own set of emotional issues from the chaos that was an attack on our country. The one we thought was untouchable. I remember closing the classroom door and trying to continue our day as normal. Well that wasn’t going to happen. I will admit I put on a movie. The information we were getting was too much. To much for me to process and too much for my kids to even wrap their innocent little minds around. I tried to make the day as calm and pleasant as possible. I stopped other staff at the door before they could say anything to shield the kids from what could be said.  I did talk to the kids about what happened that horrible day. It was about a week later. We discussed what happened, where it happened, how we felt about it. I remember that days just as much.

I really didn’t want this entry to be about 9/11, but it has some relevance. My husband emailed me today. His name is Mike if you haven’t been following along. Big guy, some say he looks intimidating, but not so much. He said in the email the following:

Hey I called Once upon a child up on Olive, and they have two backpacks. One is green and I think looks like the below link, it is priced at $15.00, she said it folds down and has the canopy to cover the baby. 

http://clearwater-fl.geebo.com/merchandise/view/id/663573-baby_trend_deluxe_backpack/

The other one is listed at $9.00 because it is not as fancy. I have my name on both of them, figured we can go take a look at them on the way to the hospital. What do you think?

So many of you are thinking, who cares. He sent you an email about a baby back pack carrier. My dear assistant Judy, laid it out there for me today. She told me how lucky I was to have a husband that would take the time out of his day to do something like that. How grateful I should be that he thinks about the things I want. It is no secret that Mike is a good guy. But today, after Judy said that. I really got it. It is easy to go day-to-day and say thanks, I love you, how was your day. It becomes routine. She pointed out something I was taken for granted. Something that I thought was normal and what everyone has in a relationship. I am not really naive to think that, but I want that for everyone. I can probably count on one hand how many fights Mike and I have been in. Most of them occurred during times of depression and/or anxiety.

I have told Kyle how lucky he is to have a wife as sweet and kind as Rose. If you are a new reader, Kyle is my other assistant. I am often mean to him. I have to admit I have been really nice the past two days. She is so supportive of him, cooks, bakes, works out, etc. I am not that wife. I don’t know many like her. He won the wife lotto. Poor Mike, he has had his work cut out for him over the years.

I am going to really work hard at appreciating what I have. I don’t have every new tech gadget, expensive clothes, new cars, but I have Mike and the girls. Family and friends that support me regardless of my craziness. Even though my parents say I am not crazy. Maybe just a little crazy. You guys can give me that.

I spend sometime once in a while thinking about what would happen if I made this decision or that decision. You know the wondering of how life would be in I did things differently, etc., etc. I think we all think about it sometimes. The goal is to always live in this moment. As Americans we are terrible at this. We are always thinking about the next best thing, or what do I need to do next. Sometimes it is almost impossible to get yourself to enjoy the moment. I want to live for today. I do want to do this. How do any of you do it? What made you get to the point you could.

Welcome Baby Cate! Congrats Drew and Greta!

XOXO, B

Coming and going

Lots of people have a lot of sayings about people in their lives. Who stays in it and who leaves it. Some think some people come into your life for a reason and to fulfill a purpose and then leave when that purpose has been fulfilled. I am not sure what my philosophy is in regards to this. I know that everyone who has been in my life has contributed to the person I am today. But some lessons I think aren’t always necessary. Some are.

My thinking is that we of course will never know if or what is the purpose of these lessons and if we really need to learn them.

So my main thing right now is if people come into your life and leave abruptly and unpleasantly, why do they have to come back? Is there something else or do we just chalk it up to coincidence?

When we see or hear from someone we just drift apart from, but had good experiences with, we consider it almost a blessing to see or hear from them again. For example, like a former student or friend from high school.

Mike says there is a reason for everything. I tell him some of those reasons still suck.

 

XOXO, B