I have spent the last 10 minutes avoiding, “THE MOODLE”. If you know what the moodle is then you have probably have done the same avoidance game. If you don’t know what it is, consider yourself lucky.
I am not really going to write about my procrastination of doing a work task. We all do it from time to time and I don’t want to put you to sleep.
I have made this random observation lately. Have you ever said, “Hello.”, “Good morning.”, etc. to someone you pass in a hall or pass in a parking lot. I would assume most people have. Do people return the greeting? Do they even look at you? I pride myself on being anti-social at times. I have a touch of the social anxiety. A lot of times I greet people in this manner just to get over being socially awkward. I can stand in a full room and not feel the need to talk to anyone. Not to be rude, but just because I struggle with small talk a lot.
BUT nothing is more awkward than when you greet someone and they don’t even look at you. Especially when it is someone I see everyday. I may not be your friend, but at least say Hi under your breath. I went to work the other day and I said, “Good Morning” to 5 people. Nobody said anything back. I was seriously thinking I was invisible, or sorta going crazy. You know the moment when you start asking yourself the following: “Did I say Good morning out loud?”, “Am I in a dream?”, “Is there a booger on my cheek?” and so on.
This is so strange to me. I apologize if I never responded to you when you greeted me. It wasn’t intentional.
I know a lot of people will comment or think the following:
“Maybe the person had a lot of things on their mind.”
“You don’t know what others are going through.”
“Maybe they don’t like you.”
“Maybe they didn’t hear you.”
I could go on, but I have decided to wrap it up and head over to Moodle Mania. Just remember we all have stuff, but returning a greeting could change someones whole day. I mean look at me. I have been thinking about it for days and then have written a blog about it.
Some of my friends and I go to work and do something you can’t even imagine. I could explain it to you, but I don’t think it is even comprehensible unless you live it. Some days, it is beautiful and inspiring and then some days, many days it is as if we are climbing up the escalator backward chasing a wild turkey to get it dressed. Yes, dressed!
One wise teacher explained our job as “Jumping from roller coaster to roller coaster while juggling a laptop, calmly de-escalting kid passengers, and teaching them hour to read, oh and collecting data and inputting it in 3 different ways.”
Something like this:
It is honestly much different from this. but it gives you an idea. Those kiddos on the floor paying attention, don’t exist in our land.
The following video maybe shocking to you and you may wonder why the adult isn’t doing anything. But they are, maybe not the way I would, but I will talk more about it after you take a gander. These videos are on YouTube and not of any child I have ever worked with, but a good example of the extremity of behaviors in which we work with.
Now I know what some of your reactions maybe, but that isn’t really what I am getting at. This is one kiddo, he is mentally ill. It says he has been diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder.We have up to or 9 kids with these same diagnoses. My favorite part of this video is the title at the top “not for children”. Well news flash people this is happening in front of other children all the time. Gave me a little giggle. Jayden has a wide range of videos on YouTube. I encourage you to watch. This isn’t a spoiled child or one that hasn’t been disciplined properly. This is true mental illness in a child.
My friends and I have been threatened to be killed in every single way possible, have witnessed attempted suicides, extreme self harming behaviors(cutting, biting self, banging heads against walls and floors, stabbing themselves), fight or flight behaviors (the runners and the fighters). In my 17 years, I have seen staff have their bones broken, hair pulled out, black eyes, head butted, bitten in very unpleasant places, etc. Most importantly though I have seen staff come back day after day, week after week and year after year. This is after we have cried in the bathroom, stayed up many nights worrying about someone else’s child or children, many therapist visits, psychiatrist visits, hospital stays and so on. But we come back.
We come back because there is some amazingly good stuff that pops up and over shadows it all. You see, our kiddos have been through some traumatic stuff that many adults can’t imagine. They have been asked to leave their “regular” school and sent to us. Most kiddos are on the automatic defense, because they assume they will get in trouble or yelled at or worse. We also have the kiddos are just different from others.
We go back because we don’t care about all that baggage per say. We just want them to get through the day successfully. Let their parents work a full day without 15 phone calls from school about how bad their kid is or having to go pick them up.
We get to be the place they like to come to school or at least not be rejected.
It doesn’t take patience, or any special wisdom. It just takes accepting this group of kiddos for who they are and allowing them to be themselves and working towards their strengths. Don’t get me wrong some days just suck. A lot of days seem like they won’t end. I have had several teachers come to me and ask me how they do this job with kids. Can you imagine not being able to do your job and care for your own children? I can say I have probably taken about a total of one month off of work in my last 17 years for mental health reasons. It isn’t because I can’t handle it. I can handle it, but your brain isn’t made to handle this much extreme emotion. If you can walk away day after day without feeling anything about it, you are in the wrong place.
I am not sure where else I am going with this blog. I will never be able to fully explain the roller coaster ride. But one thing that keeps coming through my head is children with mental illness can come from any type of family. I have had students in my class from every socio-economic background, race, and religion. Please don’t judge parents or families. This is hard. I really do have the easy job, the parents live this everyday and night. Behavioral health services are hard to get, psychiatrist for children or not easy to find. The amount of work it takes to get your child help is daunting.
I am at a place that I have a lot I want to say and discuss, but I find it almost impossible to organize it in a way that is more “professional” in writing. Then I thought why would I do that, I write the way I write and I am just going to do my thing.
Over the couple of years I have tried really hard to find some way to find peace from within myself. Especially, not judging others regardless of their beliefs, behaviors, hair, shoes, etc. etc. Please keep in mind I am a work in progress, just like yourself.
So lets take a look at something. The land of social media. I love social media! Its entertaining and interesting and scary and NEW! Lets think about this. The first mainstream home computers came out lets say mid 80’s to be fair. That was not that long ago when you think of how long the world has existed. We are all still learning. So there is that whole thing of learning how to communicate with others in this format, similar to learning to write a letter. Now everyone gets to share their opinion and ideas with everyone else, which is great and interesting but is kind of messy.
What I find interesting and often get caught up in is who are the people being so judgmental, disrespectful and cruel to people they don’t know. Now I don’t know about you, but I can not add that type of drama to my life without having to go to therapy, mediate twice daily and see the psychiatrist for a med change. As much as I want to punch George Smith from upstate New York in the throat for having sexist ideals, I can’t. No one has exclaimed, “Susie from West Virgina changed my mind about global warming by posting on twitter.” Don’t get me wrong I love some good banter. I mean if everyone believed the same thing we would all be writing the silly blog about this same thing.
If not social media changing the world, what can we do? I realized after having these two little ladies that I better not act like a total psychopath. Because if you know anything about apples and trees, it doesn’t turn out well.
How to make change is simple and overwhelming at the same time. Mike and I went to Austin for a weekend a couple of years ago. He was in Las Vegas for the week and was meeting me there. I had time to walk around the city before his flight came in. It was a lovely place with music and sugar skulls, but one thing I kept noticing was the young homeless population. It killed me. I may have spent a few dollars on them. I know I can’t save them, but I can put a few bucks in their hand. What they do with it doesn’t matter much to me, but maybe I gave them a feeling for a second that someone gave a shit. I mean that is really want in this life, to feel like someone cares about us and is there if we need them.
Mike and I take the girls almost everywhere we go, 60% of the time we will see someone on the corner asking for help. This is everywhere. All summer in Chesterfield I saw the same family. Zip code means nothing. Your income, car, house, shoes, purse means nothing. We all want the same things, Love, happiness, peace and compassion-if you don’t want these things I have a number for you to call.
It kills me to do nothing when I see someone on the streets struggling. I mean I am sitting in a decent care, with a nice cell phone, clothes, food (too damn much food) and a bunch of other stuff that is not a need.
The girls and I decided to make care bags/blessing bags for the people we see during the days we are out doing things that are a pure luxury to many. Many people have donated to our little project and for that we are so grateful. I am positive in the sense that doing things like this with others builds a stronger community, builds self-esteem amongst everyone involved and doesn’t let us forget how lucky we are.
If you would like to donate to our Blessing bag project feel free to sign up via the link below.
That is all I have for today. I hope you all didn’t fall asleep. 🙂
Brenda
“I do not want followers who are righteous, rather I want followers who are too busy doing good that they won’t have time to do bad.” – Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotak
I haven’t written in 3 years. Life has changed a lot. I have changed a lot. For those of you that know me I am incredibly frightened of change. So needless to say there has been a lot of twists and turns, but I think that all changes are necessary for the growth of life. Even if the changes aren’t so amazing.
I focuses a lot on myself on this blog in the past. I find myself to not be very interesting most of the time, so I am going to start taking this in a new direction. I am preparing for a new blog entry that I hope everyone can appreciate even if your view is different or you don’t agree with it. I hope we can have a lot of open dialogue about some interesting topics. Real ones, not about me. 🙂
It has been quite a while since I dug up this beauty. I left off telling you that I decided to go to therapy. A place I have never been and a place I was terrified to go. I still go. I can not say I “enjoy” it, but it is productive and I can feel the change and find its benefits.
This blog in itself is therapeutic in a sense that it is almost painful to read, because I find myself growing away from being the person that I was in much of this. The beliefs are still the same, but the need to share so much isn’t there anymore.
With that being said, I don’t know what the blog will become, or if I will continue it. Only time will tell.
First and foremost…Wednesday is the day. I am going to therapy. I thought I would never do it. But with lots of encouragement and support of friends and family I am going to take the great plunge and go into the unknown. My biggest fear is that I will find out how screwed up I really I am. Which is pretty screwed up. But a person that I find to be pretty wise said I am not screwed up and that going to therapy proves that. Hmmm…I am going with that. Oh wise one.
That isn’t the focus at all of what I wanted to write about. I have written a lot about myself and quite frankly I am sick of me and writing about me. I would expect that if you have read this blog you are probably sick of it too.
I do want to write about the people I get to share my days with, from the moments I wake till I go to sleep. I am so fortunate to spend my days with such diverse, amazing people. It is truly amazing that I get to spend everyday with such interesting, diverse, passionate, silly, odd, nutty, funny, smart, creative and beautiful people. And that is before I even leave the house. No really that is at home, at work, my friends, my family. It is such a fortunate gift to have. I am thankful for it everyday. Diversity can be stressful, but I am thankful for what it has taught me.
For some reason or another my mind decided to begin a race. You know the race probably the race to know where. The race in your head that happens before you go to bed possibly, or in the car on the way to work, or in my case while I should be working. Luckily, mine haven’t been too worrisome lately. Not that I haven’t had my fair share of anxious thoughts worrying about just about anything and everything. I am a mom, that is what we do right? WHo am I kidding, I have been worrying since I can remember.
Now this may sound morbid and I don’t mean it to at all. I am by far not trying to make it that way. I am constantly thinking about what matters. What is this going to matter in the end? Why should I care about who is doing what? Do I really care that one of the soccer coaches for Julia’s team is a total bitch? Why do I want to confront her about it? Does it matter? Will it matter? That of course is an example. I have tons of examples. That is a simple one and yes she is a bitch and I have thought about punching her in the throat, but will not follow through. I am a peaceful person.
So what my own conclusion, if I were my own therapist, because for those of you who do not know I have not gotten the nerve to physically step in to a therapist office. Yeah, I know I need to. Don’t think every 4 months my psychiatrist doesn’t say something. I digress. I am just trying refigure what is important as the kids get older, I want them to know what Mike and I believe in as people. Not religion, but as humans.
And then on the other hand-total midlife crisis.
Regardless what is it, I spend my days and nights with interesting, funny, smart, passionate people who make everyday interesting. So whatever it is in the end I will have great memories and hope I tried to make myself a better person each day, so I am left without regrets.
XOXO, B
P.S. I have attached the link to a kid president video that Judy, Ben (the new Kyle, Jim for those who are playing at home) and I watched at work today. Not only am I sucker for young african american boys, but he moved all 3 of us. It’s an old one, but we all could use a pep talk once in a while.
Since my dear friend Anna said I was a talented blogger I looked at my blog and noticed it ha been neglected. I also noticed. I have changed a lot in the past few years. For those if you new to my shit show feel free to browse my highs, lows and in betweens of the past.
I feel I am in a place of better balance, taking more risks, not being as hard on myself and trying to live in the moment. Attempting to let the past stay in the past and not let it haunt my present and future. And not worry so much about what is going to happen, because I want to be able to experience that joy, happiness and spontaneity of living in the moment.
Hah! So much easier said than done. But here’s to trying.
The last 3 days have proven to be blog worthy. I haven’t written in some time. Over that time I find that I can sense the change within myself.
But really this blog isn’t as much about myself but the change in all of our lives that happens daily just by the simple events that occur and that of the larger more significant events that don’t necessarily happen to us but to the communities around us.
Through our vast media we have been able to witness the good and evil of our world almost as it is happening. Those things shape and change who we are as a community, as parents, as friends as a spouse, etc. the change and shaping occur in the way we choose.
I could simply sit here and tell you about all of the things that have affected me. But like I said already this is more about the change that these events provoke.
We are all of course aware of the tragedy in Connecticut. We know we can not go back and change what has happened there. Or change the other tragedies of comparison. I know it is human nature to find someone or something to blame. I also know it is in our complete control to react in a sensitive manner. Gun laws, extra security, health care, the president, etc, could not of stopped this from happening. At least not independent from each other. I encourage you to think about such events can make you a smarter, braver, kinder, more sensitive person. Not how it is going to make you argue or as some say debate the topics and how they can be avoided and who’s fault it is. Those arguments “debates” stop change in its tracks. Obviously what we are doing isn’t working. Right? It is ours to change to shape and we have a lot if bitchers and complainers and not a lot of helpers and fixers.
With that being said we all have a lot going on in our lives. Busy busy all the time. What are we busy doing? Bitching or helping? Complaining or fixing?
So much of our lives consists of what we like to refer to as “first world problems”. The negative energy that manifests from all of the complaining and bitching is like a horrible virus with no cure. It spreads through the air, television, computer and iPad. Not to mention the air we breathe.
What will it take for the arguing and bitching to stop and the true fixing and helping to begin?
Don’t get me wrong there are many helpers and fixers. But they can not do it alone. The virus is too severe.
It is obvious that it is time for change. We will not be able to change the government and how it is run in a day, week or year. But we are the ones truly in charge here. No matter what the excuses. We can choose to be together in change or separate. Anyone who has played tug-a-war, knows which one is more successful.
I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.
Becky Hokamp Cavanaugh-you are a true inspiration to single moms everywhere. You are a great force to be reckoned with. Congratulations in all you do and all that you have already accomplished. I am sorry we couldn’t be with you in your special day.
Anne Hokamp Williams-I remember only 8 years ago you telling me you couldn’t wait till I had a baby. I had them. You are a wonderful momma. Congratulations to you and your sweet little family. Can’t wait to meet that precious girl.
I often say or believe that I am really not into politics. And really I am not. I just have a few key things that are important to me and to me immediate family that I feel strongly about. They are what I think are the simpler things: Education, Equality and a sliver of honesty and respect.
This coming election I feel like we have to choose money or equality. I can sympathize with both sides of the aisle. But I don’t understand with a lot of either side. It is most likely due to the vast amount of bullshit in this system called government.
I think a lot about what my girls maybe or become. The truth is I don’t care much about what they decide to do as a career or personal life. I just wish for them to be happy from within, be honest with who they are not to do things to please others and do what they want. You want to be a starving artist? Great! Live in a studio apartment with concrete furniture. Enjoy! I want them to have some diversity and not be the cookie cutter person that is looking to please everybody. I want them to take pride in their choices no matter what and learn from the bad choices and celebrate the good ones.
My children maybe gay, straight or bisexual. They may decide to dress in crazy clothes or no clothes. None of this matters to me, because if they are happy and are treating fairly among others. I am happy. I pray that they don’t judge others the way that I sometimes find myself doing. I most of all want them to not treat people differently due to color, ethnic background, religion, socio-economic class, what neighborhood they live in, the size of a person’s house, how many things that someone has or doesn’t have. None of that stuff matters. we can’t take it with us. No one will care about any of it. Someone will remember if you are kind or a jerk, honest or a liar and so on.
I understand that many people don’t agree with me and that is ok.
Someday there won’t be so much division in this country. Think of the change this country has undergone in the past 60 years.
A new generation of honesty, sincerity and true compassion will win over the old greedy, close-minded ways. I just hope I am here to see it. I hope my kids are part of it.
BrendaRm26 